aplacetotellit (aplacetotellit) wrote,

I relapsed about 4 months ago, shortly after we broke up. It started small, like it always does - pot, too much pot, and alcohol. It got to the point where I was drinking every other night, which at this time is really all I can afford. I was spending entirely too much on pot. Then I started in on my prescription pain med stash. I don't know why I never threw it out. I was so happy when we were together, and usually when I'm happy, I clear out my stash.

Vicodin, xanax, oxycodone, klonopin, anything I've acquired through prescription in the last 2 years, is in a basket under my sink. My stash is dwindling, and I'm wondering if or when anyone will notice. No one noticed when I dropped 35 pounds in 4 months, no one noticed when I became nocturnal again, started chewing on my fingernails and my lips. No one noticed when I wore the same clothes for 4 days or started zoning out at parties, hearing my thoughts out loud and wondering if I'm really losing my mind this time. No one noticed when I drove home drunk from the bar. No one cared.

I am who I was before, I am who I hate. And no one notices. Not my family, not that guy I fell for way too quickly, not my best friend or my big brother. I find a new high every day - duster, sharpies, resin from my bowl if I'm too broke for green, my roommate's liquor, some old painkillers from when I had my wisdom teeth extracted. I find a new high every day, and every day I reach a new low.

I don't want to die anymore, but sometimes I wonder how that would go. I wonder if my mom would call you, I wonder how your breath would sound as you drop the phone on the floor, and I wonder if you'd try to kill yourself later in the night when you realize it's real and I'm actually gone. Forever. You told me you would. If I did. You would. Is that true? Do you still love me? Are you seeing anyone now? You were my only reason to stay clean. You were the first person to give a shit that I sliced my thighs up when I was sad. I'm almost 22 years old. It's time for me to grow up and become what I always wanted to be.

I've thought about joining the peace corps. I started my application tonight. But will they really take on a depressed, bulimic, scared shitless drug addict? What do I even have to offer this world? I'm overweight, burned out, and I can't even keep a guy for more than a couple of weeks. I'm sorry I broke your heart, but you deserve better. Just leave me here to rot.
  • Post a new comment


    default userpic

    Your IP address will be recorded 

    When you submit the form an invisible reCAPTCHA check will be performed.
    You must follow the Privacy Policy and Google Terms of use.
  • 1 comment