aplacetotellit (aplacetotellit) wrote,

I'm finally willing to admit I need help.

lildixieangel06 here. Posting here because I pretty much quit posting on my LJ forever ago, and my new blog is public.

Some background.
I've been struggling with depression since I was 12. I started cutting at 13. I've had a couple of suicide attempts in the past ten years, most recently about a year and a half ago when my friend pried a handful of pills .
out of my hand and flushed them. In the past few years I've been doing fairly well with self-injury, and as of March I am clean once again.
My parents tried to get me to go to therapy when I was 13 or 14. I made a deal with them, went once, didn't like it, and that was that. Then my freshman year of college when I was 18 I broke down and told my mom I wanted help. So I started taking Lexapro and seeing a therapist. I didn't really like her though, so I quit therapy after a few months. I took the Lexapro for about a year, but I didn't like how it made me feel. I felt like although I was never really sad, I was also never really happy. Basically I felt like I was only half living.

Fast forward a couple of years, and my best friends and my parents staged an intervention and convinced me to go to a psych hospital because they were concerned that I would kill myself.
I spent two weeks inpatient and two weeks outpatient. I was diagnosed with Bipolar and given Welbutrin and Lamictal. I accepted and rejected this diagnosis at different times. My time at the psych hospital also caused me to lose faith in the mental health world, which up until that time I had believed could save me. I was a psychology major and loved reading the DSM book. But my psychiatrist was a douche who wouldn't listen to me and projected his issues onto me.

I told my therapists and shrink that I was going to quit taking my mess before I even finished outpatient, and I haven't been on anything else since. I was 20 then.

And now I'm 23.
I feel fairly stable right now.

I have really awesome friends. I'm back in school after a three year break. I'm planning to go to law school.

But. I went to a super bowl party. I drank. I quit drinking before the third quarter ended and didn't leave until midnight. But I hadn't eaten.
I got pulled over. And charged with DUI. I spent 18 hours Ian holding cell.

This was in February.
It sent me into a tailspin. I didn't go straight to suicide, but the idea was there. After about a month I news able to wrap my mind about it and met with a lawyer. He gave me hope that we could get the charge dropped to reckless driving. And I thought everything might be okay.
I've been clinging to that hope ever since.

Well, it now appears that the chances of that happening are slim. I go back to court Wednesday, and I will probably not get a plea deal. So I either have to accept the DUI which means losing my license for a year among other things or push the case to a different court in hopes of a different outcome, which is not likely and will cost a lot of money.

I'm not okay. I am, but I'm not. I'm not cutting. I'm not really suicidal, but the thought is there again. I can't find the words to tell my friends. I'm devastated.

I know I screwed up. I know I was wrong. I'm not excusing my behaviour. I know driving drunk is unacceptable.
But I also know myself. And I am really scared. I don't know if I have it in me to deal with all of this.

I can't kill myself because I love my family and friends and can't do that to them. But there are times when things get really dark that I don't think about that. I'm not sure I can always protect me from myself.

So, with this impending verdict looming ahead of me in less than a week, I think I need help. One of my friends who knows all of my dark secrets has been telling me I need to talk to someone. I know he is right. But I have always maintained that I can handle this. Now, I don't think I can.

I need to talk to someone. I probably need medication. I don't think I can make it through the next year on my own.

I've been screwed up for a long time but I've been doing okay lately. However, recent events that are leading to future events have be seriously worried about my ability to be okay.

I need help. I want to find a therapist or a shrink, but I don't know how to go about doing this.
How do I find someone?

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

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